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don't just stand there, say nice things to me - Idiot Control Now
bees on pie, burning rubber tires
mellowcandle
mellowcandle
don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been fleshing out the conversation from the third part, so I've got this so far. It might be a little better, but I don't know. My eyes are crossing.

***

At the heart of it, she didn’t want a practical, political marriage. This was going to be for the rest of her life. She wanted someone special by her side. Someone she cared about. “And because… I’m very fond of you, Guy.” In her position, that was as close to love as she could hope for.

He smiled at that, this time with no trace of teasing to be found. This smile was softer, lending an intimacy that wrapped around her, making her feel warm all over. “Now, was that so hard?” Even his voice was softer, lower, a hum that buzzed up and down her spine.

Of course. She’d been appealing to his logical side, when she should have been appealing to his romantic side. Who wanted a proposal that treated the recipient as a commodity? Wouldn’t he rather hear that he meant something to her, instead of focusing on what he could do for her? The only way she could have been more impersonal and insulting is if she had sent a messenger with a royal decree. “I’m sorry.” She bowed her head briefly in apology before looking at him again. “I should have started with that.”

“Nah, it’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t. I’ve done to you what’s being done to me, and I should know better.”

He gave a careless shrug. “I’m getting used to it. The families around here see me as a title first and a fortune second. Well, except those that see the fortune first. My being a person doesn’t really figure into it.”

“Welcome to my world. It’s fun, isn’t it?” See, she could make sardonic jokes, too. “But, truly, you shouldn’t expect that dismissive sort of attitude from me. I’m very sorry.”

“I know you didn’t mean it that way. Besides, your reasons are compelling, I’ll give you that. I’d be an idiot to hold out for a better offer.” There was that smile again.

Perhaps she’d like this new layer. Even if they weren't a love match, a match between friends was the next best thing. Some people weren't that lucky. “So, you’ll do it?”

***



And I'm wondering if she should mention Luke after all. She can't really hide it, because it'll come out eventually. But it just seems to be too awkward to do here. Stupid Luke.

Current Mood: confused confused
Current Music: push--matchbox twenty

2 pathetic excuses or justify your existence
Comments
cal_reflector From: cal_reflector Date: May 5th, 2010 10:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
In her position, that was as close to love as she could hope for.

I feel Natalia's words would have more impact without this bit at the end of the paragraph.

Of course. She’d been trying to appeal to his logic when he had been looking for some feeling and honesty: Who wanted a proposal that sounded like a sales pitch? Wouldn’t he rather hear that he meant something to her instead of focusing on how they could profit from the arrangement?

It almost feels as though the original had a better flow to it. Maybe it's just the effect of reading this revised bit out of context.

You could consider mentioning Duke, since this passage is relatively short, unless the topic of Luke will be the focus of a later scene. Could be as brief as:

"What about Luke?"

"I don't want Luke. I want you."
mellowcandle From: mellowcandle Date: May 6th, 2010 02:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
My first second draft of this had a conversation about Luke that went something like:

"Who are they wanting you to marry, anyway?"
"Luke."
"Man, they're not kidding around. Does he know?"
"I don't think so. I'm not even considering it. I won't do that to him."
"Yeah. Wow, who'd have thought I'd have to save you from marrying Luke?"

But then I didn't know where that was going, so I scrapped it. I'll have to bring it up at some point.

Maybe I'll just move on from this section for now, since I'm only making it worse.
2 pathetic excuses or justify your existence